


Haus Bylaws that Need to be Added to the Wall: No Hanging Chads

by Perpetual Motion (perpetfic)



Series: Haus Bylaws [3]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Chad - Freeform, Chad as shorthand for asshole, Gen, He gets what's coming to him, Holster & Ransom pop in for a sec, awesome lady hockey players, fucking Chad, guy who cannot read a soft no to save his dick, references to shit i haven't written yet, sexist douche canoe at a Haus party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 14:42:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9905792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetfic/pseuds/Perpetual%20Motion
Summary: If a Chad approaches Lardo, allow her to set up fucking ruining him before pouncing. [sub a) In all cases of Chad, Shitty is wingman because Bitty punched that one Chad.] (sub b) He deserved it.) {sub c) He totally did.}





	

"Incoming Chad," Nurse mutters as he walks by Lardo at the beer pong table.

"Fuuuuuck," she replies as she pulls out her phone, taps the screen a few times, and places it facedown on the pong table.

"Hey, cutie!" the Chad in question--one Lardo has not met, but who is already proving to be as bad as the rest--says to Lardo as he sets down his drink and leans in close. Very close. Like, trying to loom over her close.

"Back away," Lardo says. 

"Oh, I'm not trying to creep on you," Chad says, stepping back exactly one half step. "Just wanted to make sure your eyes are as beautiful up close as they looked across the room."

Lardo doesn't reply. She turns to face the pong table. Two players from the women's hockey team are setting up to play across the table. 

"Kim and Julie, right?" Lardo asks.

"Yup," Kim says. "And you're Lardo."

"Yup," Lardo agrees.

"Nice to meet you," Chad says to Kim and Julie. He smiles at Lardo. "Hey, looks like you need a--" 

"Yooooooooooooo!" Shitty screams as he slides across the room in only his socks and boxers. He points at the women across the table. "You ruined our honor! You took our sweet summer child and...and...Lards, help me out."

"You got him high as fuck and left him to walk home alone," Lardo says.

"That!" Shitty says. "Not on!"

"Oh, please, it was two in the afternoon, and we're two houses down!" Julie argues. "It's not like he was gonna get lost."

"HE IS OUR SWEET SUMMER CHILD!" Shitty turns to Lardo searching for outrage. She's lining up cups and pouring in beer. He turns to Chad. "Yo, who are you?"

 

"I'm her beer pong partner," Chad says. He looks at Lardo. Lardo does not look at him. "Right, cutie?"

"Oh my god," Shitty mutters into his drink. He shifts his weight forward so he's mostly blocking Chad from view, then groans when Chad walks around him and squeezes in next to the table on Lardo's side. "Oh my god, are you fucking serious."

"He's a Chad," Lardo says in an undertone.

"Ugh. Always. Wanna call a party foul?"

Lardo pauses in lining up the last cups and considers it. She looks at her phone, then moves it to her far side, closer to Chad. "Not yet."

 

Shitty laughs. "Yeeees, we haven't had a good takedown in awhile."

 

"A point in favor of the Haus if you ask me," Lardo replies.

"Ab-so-fucking-loutely," Shitty agrees. He looks across the table. Kim and Julie are ready to go. "When we kick your ass, you apologize to Farmer for ruining Chowder."

"Farmer thought it was fucking hilarious," Julie says. 

"So, you pong a lot?" Chad asks Lardo as Shitty announces the ladies can have first shot.

"No, I just stand by this table and hope I look cool," Lardo replies. The ball misses a cup, and Lardo catches it before it falls off the edge of the table. She hip checks Shitty out of the way so she can aim and sinks her shot.

"Hey, beginner's luck!" Chad says, holding up his hand for a high five. He gives Shitty a dirty look when he's the one to complete the high five. "That wasn't for you."

"High fives are for everyone," Shitty says. He howls when the ladies sink their second ball. "Lards, how much you had tonight?"

"Second tub juice," she says, holding up her cup. 

"Fourth."

Lards downs the beer and clears the cup. 

"I like a girl who can party," Chad says.

Lardo sips her tub juice and says nothing. 

"What's your last record on a soft no?" Shitty asks as he tosses. It bounces off the first line of cups but sinks into one on the second row.

"Seventeen minutes," Lardo replies. 

"I wouldn't think someone as tiny as you could hold her liquor, but I like it," Chad says. "You're not like other girls."

Kim and Julie both freeze, turn towards Chad, and hiss in unison. Lardo cracks up. 

"Free one!" Lardo shouts, and shoves one of the cups into Shitty's hands.

"Solidarity swig!" Shitty says and chugs. Kim and Julie cheer. 

Chad looks confused. "Did I miss something?"

"Sure," Lardo says. "Something."

"Something," Kim and Julie say in unison. 

Shitty tosses his empty cup over his shoulder and sends his next ball flying. It lands dead center in the furthest cup to the left. 

"We should hang out and talk when you're done," Chad says to Lardo. 

"Concentrating," Lardo says, trying to guess where the next ball will land. 

"Maybe somewhere quiet," Chad continues. "Like your room." He winces when a ball smacks him right in the forehead.

"Oops," says Kim.

Chad rubs his forehead, glances at Lardo, then turns a smile on Kim. "Hey, no worries. Maybe I can give you some pointers on your aim." He steps down the table so he's standing close to Kim. Julie looks ready to cup check him. 

"Fuck," Shitty says in a whisper as Kim's face goes from faux innocence to wrathful.

"No," Kim says.

"Hey, nothing to be embarrassed about. It's cute you throw like a girl."

"Oh, fuck you sideways," Julie says. "She's the top-scoring forward in the Division, you numbnuts."

"That's cool," Chad says, and Lardo holds up a hand when Shitty sends her a begging look at his condescending tone. "But, that's not real sports, right? It's like girl basketball."

"PARTY FOUL!" Holster and Ransom shout from directly behind Chad. Chad jumps. Holster and Ransom grab him when he lands.

"First of all, Captain Negging, she's a fucking hockey player," Holster says.

"And there's no such thing as 'girl sports,'" Ransom adds. "It's just sports."

"Oh, come on! We're just talking!" Chad says, trying to shake loose of the double grip on his arms.

"We were not," Kim says. "You were ignoring a fucking _list_ of soft no from Lards and taking zero hints."

"I cannot wait to hear this on replay," Julie replies. She glances at Lardo. "You did get it all, right?"

Lardo holds up her phone. The screen shows it's in recording mode. "Oh, yeah." She hands the phone to Shitty. "Do your magic.'

"On it," Shitty says. He walks around the table, high-fiving Kim and Julie, and stops in front of Chad. "You come into my Haus again, we'll let Bitty kick your ass out."

"That guy baking in the kitchen? What's he gonna do? Throw his mixer at me?"

"You'd be so lucky," Holster says. He and Ransom start yanking Chad towards the door. "Last guy who got him angry ended up with a broken nose."

"And it wasn't a nice break, either. Dude needed surgery." Ransom adds.

Lardo, Kim, Julie, and Shitty watch until Chad is out the door. Kim and Julie turn to Lardo and hold up a ball. "Finish?" Julie asks.

"I gotta get this prepped," Shitty says, holding up Lardo's phone. "But I'm sure she can destroy you without me."

"Oh, I totally have this," Lardo agrees. 

*

Two nights later, the whole team crowds into the Haus to listen to one of the college station radio shows.

"Hey, everyone, it's Kim and Jules, back again to talk hockey and Chads."

"Fucking Chads," Julie says, the first word bleeped. 

"Oh, yeah, we've got a fresh one for you, courtesy of our second favorite team manager."

"Let's set the scene," Julie says. "It's a party at the men's hockey Haus--"

"So it's almost a party worthy of us," Kim adds.

"And pong's about to go down. Now, for those of you who haven't partied at the Haus, first, do it at least once. The food is amazing--"

"So amazing."

"But also, those dudes are--" there's a bleep again "serious about not being gross."

"There is a dude who spends the entire time mostly naked at, like, every party, and I swear to god, I have never felt safer."

"He gives the best hugs," Julie agrees. "But he always asks before he does it."

"Whole team's like that," Kim carries on. "Rock solid bros of the awesome bro type."

"Like, take the You Can Play campaign and make it a team, and it's those dorks."

"Absolutely."

"An-e-way," Julie says, dragging out the word for emphasis. "Any time a Chad--"

"Or any Chad-like sentient ooze--"

"Right. Any time a Chad or a CLSO pulls gross on our second favorite team manager--"

"Lards, you fabulous--" another bleep.

"You really are a fabulous--" and another bleep. Kim and Julie giggle for a few seconds, then Julie picks up the thread again. "Anytime Lards gets creeped on, she is magical and gets it recorded, so we can expose yet another Chad and talk, yet again, about how dudes need to stop doing this crap."

"By the way, every e-mail or call threatening to never listen to us again will lead to a one dollar donation to the Samwell Wild Life Restoration Club. As Lards is the one to give us these gems of--" yet another bleep, "she is the one who got to choose where the money goes."

"So far this year, we've raised 300 dollars for the Club, and we look forward to all you fragile snowflakes continuing to help."

"And without further ado," Kim says with great drama, "Our latest Chad."

**Author's Note:**

> Love to Templemarker for the beta. I cannot wait to describe to you the awesomeness of the Samwell Women's Hockey Team. And, yes, they did, in fact, fucking ruin Chowder.


End file.
